In short: start with yourself and someone easy, so goodwill is already flowing, then bring the difficult person to mind for a short time with a simple wish: "May you be free from suffering." The Buddha's instruction for even the hardest case is to stay "with a heart of love and no secret hate" (MN 21). You don't need to feel love; the intention is the practice.
The Buddha's instruction
"We will remain full of sympathy, with a heart of love and no secret hate. We will meditate spreading a heart of love to that individual. And with them as a basis, we will meditate spreading a heart full of love to everyone in the world—abundant, expansive, limitless, free of enmity and ill will."
MN 21 · The full teaching: the Simile of the Saw.
This is the Buddha's most demanding teaching on patience. Most of us are dealing with something much smaller: a colleague, a relative, an ex. That makes it very practical.
Read the full guide
Step by step (10 minutes)
- Yourself (2 minutes): "May I be well. May I be at ease." Let it soften the body.
- Someone easy (2 minutes): a friend or a child. Let the goodwill grow.
- Someone neutral (1 minute): a stranger you saw today.
- The difficult person (2 minutes): picture them briefly, perhaps as a child, or on a hard day of their own. "May you be free from suffering. May you be at ease."
- If it's too much: go back to step 2. Come back later. That's skill, not failure.
- Everyone (2 minutes): "May all beings be well", including you, including them.
When it won't come: five ways to let go
The Buddha gave five ways to get rid of resentment toward anyone: develop love, compassion or equanimity toward them, stop paying attention to them, or reflect that they are the owner and heir of their own deeds. (AN 5.161)
Important
Loving-kindness is about your own heart. It doesn't mean excusing harm, staying in contact or staying in danger. You can wish someone well from a safe distance.
Try it
Build the foundation first: metta meditation, or a 3-minute Kindness practice in Practice.
Questions people ask
How do you send loving-kindness to someone you dislike?
Start with yourself and someone easy, so the feeling of goodwill is already there. Then bring the difficult person to mind briefly and offer a simple wish, such as 'May you be free from suffering.' If it becomes too much, go back to someone easy.
Do I have to feel love for them?
No. The practice is the intention, not the feeling. Wishing them well, even with gritted teeth, is still loving-kindness, and it frees you more than them.